So, it’s January 2009. How did I get here already?! Mental!

As I write this, I am in Mr Graham’s house in Badger Farm, Winchester. I haven’t lived in Winchester for 9 months… that’s like a whole pregnancy worth of time! I remember my first drive back here, after my move to Southampton. It was so weird going back into Winch. I was going to baby-sit one of my Winchester kids. It was like, the 2^nd of Aug, 2 days into my new life in Southampton. I remember arriving in Winch early and pulling off into Sainsbury’s… only to find it was ALL different! I was SO shocked that something so weirdly iconic, something that was part of my everyday normalcy (?) of Winchester life, had completely changed in the four months I had been away for. I then drove to each of my old houses for a look… the hardest one for me to see was the house I lived in with the Steanes. So many happy memories… it really pulled at my heart strings. I drove past my uni halls, where that whole chapter of my life had started back in Sept 2002.

There are some days that will hold in your memory forever, and for me driving to the big unknown of uni… to the start of my new life, is one of them!

I am now a Southampton girl. And proud of it!! I wouldn’t live anywhere else right now. I know it is where God wants me, I love my housemates, I love my church and I love my job. I am 100% content in life… who would have thought that I would feel that about Southampton!? I always said it was a grey, concrete, dump and that I never wanted to leave beautiful, green, small, Winchester. It’s funny how your heart can completely change. I feel the same about moving back to Winchester, as I do about moving back to Brighton: not in a million years!

So in summary:

I first got to Winch and pined for Brighton, somewhere along the line I loved Winchester and lost the Brighton attachment. I then dreaded moving to Southampton and leaving my precious Winch. And now I live in Southampton and wouldn’t live in either of the latter places.

I suppose I should mention something of my travels to NZ and Oz. I think, in years to come, when I am an old lady and look back at it, the one thing that will stand out to me is the wale-of-a-time I had with God. It was a holiday full of grace. Three months of God meeting my needs, meeting my wants and making me smile and laugh in lots of little ways. I also: met some new people, made some new friends, had a crush that changed me in ways the boy will never know, saw my beloved Steanes, hung out with old friends and family, went for long walks, avoided Tim, laid about in the sun, gained half a stone (!), went surfing, went riding (a lot), caught 10 flights, sat collectively for about 4 days on various bus rides, ate kangaroo, shopped, laughed, cried and listened to a lot of iPod!

January 2009. What will happen to me this year?! I am looking forward to finding out!

So far I know the following:

-         fly to NZ for the whole of March – (maybe the most spontaneous and impulsive decision I have ever made)

-         Harris’ wedding in August… being maid of honour

-         Getting my first teaching job in Sept.

Well, this is my last night in Winchester… ever. It’s so weird for me. I have never had this feeling before. With leaving Brighton I knew it was always going to be home so I would always come back to it now and again. But leaving Winchester is different. It’s like leaving a whole part of me behind. I love Winchester. So much has happened. Now I have a fresh start, in Southampton. Finally letting go of the past… I don’t feel ready to go. I have met so many people, had so many good times, bad times, fun times… my whole life for the past 6 years has been here. CRAZY! It makes me feel a little queasy/ choked up thinking about it. This is my home… and I don’t want to leave.

I remember the drive up here 6 years ago. Listening to Colin and Edith on radio one, eating ginger bread men in the back on my dads van, collecting my key for my house at West Downs. Meeting my house mates. And now fast forward… it’s over. I very much doubt that I will feel this sad about leaving Southampton in 4 years. Having said that I remember thinking that Winchester was somewhere I never wanted to say for too long when I first got here. People came for uni and never left and I was terrified to be one of them. Ironic!

So, tomorrow I pack up all my things and take everything back to Brighton. Then I am off to see Jennie White who is cooking me and goodbye meal. I'm sleeping over at her house and then on Tuesday I am off to see Clive and then Matt Vaine. Then hasta luago Wincheter, mucho gusto New Zealand!

This last week in Winchester has been mental. I sold my car, found a house to live in when I get back and got a death contract and a new phone.

Today I went to Lisa’s after church and had a loooooong talk with her and her housemate about God stuff. I had unwittingly been reading my old testament and somehow compartmentalised the trinity in my head. It sounds silly but in my head I was like:
OT = God
NT = Jesus
I had put the Holy Spirit and God in both parts but mainly I saw it as black and white. It wasn’t until Claire pointed out that Jesus is in the Old Testament, he just wasn’t a finite man that my misconception clicked and confusion left me. My friend Emmah gave me a book called ‘Velvet Elvis’ which I am looking forward to reading in New Zealand.

In other news it snowed this morning – loads! But by the end of the morning it was all gone and it was beautiful sunshine! CRAZY!

I wanted to blog about this next thing a few weeks ago: I went to a Kelly Clarkson gig on Easter Sunday and it was A-mazing! She was outstanding. I always marvel at how people can sing so well and make it look so effortless. While I was there I noticed that loads of people sung and raise their arms up, like you would if you were at church in worship. It’s weird that there is an inbuilt thing in people that causes them to want to worship something or someone.

Right now I am babysitting at the Dodds. Oscar and Louis are tucked up in bed and I am meant to be doing planning for next week. I have most of it done, so I have decided to take a break from it because I have lost all motivation.

This week I have had a funny time of things when it’s come to babysitting. I looked after Jack Jack on Weds and Thursday after I finished school. And do you know what?? Each evening I saw his dad in nothing but his skin tight Clavins! Both times Alan, Jack’s dad, called me up to his room for something innocent and each time, there he was, standing in his pants… as if it was the most normal thing in the world! On a happier note, Alan said he would let me have his old laptop… score! I was thinking the other week that it would be really handy to have a laptop; I could take it into school with me and use it there for lessons and planning and such things. Happily God had his ears on and tuned into my thoughts, and being that He is abundant, He has blessed me with a free one! :o)

I have been thinking a lot about friendships this week. About how they come and go in and out of our lives. At the start of this new year, I look back and remember all the people who, this time last year, I held as my favourite people and best friends. There was a whole bunch of people on that list who I very rarely, if ever, speak to now; Chris, Rachel, Sam, Adam, Tim, Aaron, Rhi, Emmah, Sarah, Rich, Lou. It’s not that I don’t care about them anymore, it’s just that things change. Sometimes it makes me sad that I am out of touch with so many people, sometimes I think that they don’t love me anymore and don’t care… or maybe they think that I don’t love and care for them.

Yet, with the seeming loss of once close friends, change inevitably brings new friends into your life. 2007 brought me closer with people who, in 2006, I either never knew or had never really spent any time with… like Lisa, Si, Jennie, Graham, Rachel and Luke.

I think about my friends, past and present, and then think about the people in my life who are constants; people who no mater how much time passes I will always have a special bond with: Gemma, Laura, Liz, Jo, Beth, Kat, Becky, Si, Jon, Abi.

With so much change in one year, I wonder what will change in 2008. And not just with friendships, but how I will change as a person. The Hayley of January 2007 is so different to the Hayley of 2008 that is writing this. I went through so much stuff in 2007. God has reconstructed me on the inside over these last 12 months. He has ripped away things from me that I held on to, things that hindered me, things that were no good for me and things that I thought gave me worth or value. In doing these things, pulling me apart from the inside and reconstructing me, He has been pretty brutal. I have been though things that have been so hard to deal with but all these things that have taught me and changed me. Looking at 2007 it was a hard year, not many happy memories spring to mind, but 2007 has been the biggest internal year of change to date. I sit here a changed person. Would I change anything that has happened?? Maybe. Am I a better person because of what happened? Definitely.

So, over 6 months has passed me by and I am once again at Xanga taking an introspective look at myself. It’s 2008. That’s weird! So far in 2008 I have had 3 birthday parties and passed my driving test… and that was all in the first 6 days! LoL
I really enjoyed my party on Sunday afternoon. I almost cried at the end of it when I got home… I was emotionally exhausted. It was the same feeling I used to get at the end of Stoneleigh. I am always really surprised when people come to my birthday parties coz I never really think people like me that much. I was even more shocked when people said they had fun. lol

Next week, on Tuesday, I start my teaching practise. I am looking forward to it and am really hoping that I do amazing well! I want a ‘good’ by the end of it… just to show that my last TP was a horrible anomaly.

Yesterday I was looking after Marcus, who was singing ‘Gloria’ at the top of his screechy little voice and I wondered to myself, “What does ‘excelsis’ mean!?” I think it means ‘highest’ in Latin but who can be sure?!

Yesterday Tim went off to Australia. It was a day that I had been dreading for over a year but it was actually one of the happiest days, emotionally, that I have had in AGES! I am so glad he has gone. It’s drawn a line under everything. It’s finally over. I didn’t think I would feel like this but I’m glad I do. There is no more ‘What if’s…’ in my mind. No more avoiding places like Tesco in case I ran into him. I can just be me without the thought in the back on my mind that I might see him. Since we broke up I haven’t been able to pray for him at all without feeling I was bonded back to him in some way but last night I prayed for him loads and it didn’t make me feel weird at all. It was actually releasing to pray blessings upon him. I think it’s weird that he is living in Oz now for 2 years… it’s not even like going to uni coz with uni you are still in the same country. He is away from everything he knows for 2 whole years. That’s a MASSIVE deal.

I still think I want to live abroad for 3 years when I am older but the more I travel the more I think that I want to live in England for the majority of my life. The thing I love about England is the history. Buildings are old and beautiful. I love walking around Winchester and looking at the old architecture on the buildings, certain views of rooftops, walls that were built about 30 years after Jesus was walking the earth. For architecture I LOVE England. Places like New Zealand, Australia and America are all REALLY young comparatively. Maybe I will live somewhere like Spain, France or Italy. All of these places hold great appeal to me… I just can’t speak the language.

Since I last wrote on here I have been back to India and also visited Nepal. I booked my trip to Oz as well. Yeah I have! I leave April 8th for New Zealand to see Aunty Lynne and Uncle Ian and my cousin Kayla who will be 12 while I'm there (she was 4 last time I saw her). I will also get to meet my 2 baby cousins William (3) and Calan (1) and Lara will be a few weeks away from having her 3rd baby, a little girl who they will name Phoebe May. Then I am flying down to Christchurchto visit the Newfrontiers church down there and also watch the Crusaders vs. Blues rugby game. Richie is captain and DC is vice captain. I CAN’T WAIT!! Then I fly over to Oz, land in Melbourne and travel up the east coast (visiting Tamyn and her husband and new baby, and then the Brookes clan while I'm in Sydney) and up to Mackay where I will stay with my Steanes and then fly home!

This year is going to be SO much fun :o)